txt from greeley square park

tired from a new york city night of grand marnier and rick's, i was alone in greeley square park in chelsea, i guess they call it the fashion district. the city was moving and beginning to smell like the summer streets, the chewing gum pasted to the tarmac and the hot dog stands selling chicken and pork and the taxi exhaust, it all blends together in a menage of mess and beauty. my friends were taking two hours too long in the apartment we were crashing in, i wanted to be home, and if i couldn't be on my way home, i wanted to see the city. so as they packed and talked and laughed and cleaned and remembered the night, i sat in greeley square park with 30 strangers and watched the sun reflect off the buildings. i had my backpacker backpack at my feet and i imagined being in barcelona, of hearing spanish all around me, and smelling the barcelona air, more dusty or dirty than manhattan, different. actually, i didn't imagine the smells. and as i sat there, i texted a friend, "i'm not in the mood to laugh, i'm in the mood to be tender." i wanted to be there with someone, and to feel their closeness and quietude, that sort of peacefulness i've only experienced when there's no need to talk. and i didn't send the text to her because i wanted to be tender with her, but because she knew me when i was tender and what it means for me to be that way. about a year and a half ago i called a different friend and told her i wanted to take a nap with her. i was sort of seeing someone at the time, but didn't want to lounge around with her because she would expect something of me, expecting me to be witty or loving or sexual or funny or sensitive or want me to listen (for god's sake we know women love when men listen! haa) but, sometimes i don't feel like being that. it's too much to ask, and yet despite not being willing to be that for someone, i still want to be around someone, be close to someone, but not have to worry about the complexities that occur laying in the bed with someone that doesn't understand my heart rate.