tree of life and so on

i wrote to my mother a month or so ago sort of apologizing for not seeing her more; i wanted her to feel that i wasn't actively avoiding anyone, and i know she wouldn't suspect that, but i felt that my absence needed to be explained to some degree. i told her i had slightly withdrawn over the last few months, focused on work and tried to spend my free time relaxing my mind. she replied by advising me to be careful not to distance myself from my friends and family too much, she wanted me to maintain my strong relationships because she knows their value in my life and told me she doesn't know anyone that has as many friends as i do. i read that and froze. do i really have that many friends?

i guess i do have a large group of amazing people in my life, all serving one purpose or another, all active in my life in some manifestation that works for what our friendship requires. i have friends that i only talk to once a year, or once every 5 years, but i think about them all the time, and they are active members in the shaping of my present state. there's a guy i worked with a few years ago that i've seen twice in 5 years, and every time we see each other it's like seeing a brother that was in the peace corps or something. we're off doing our own things, but he's instrumental in the person i am. i bumped into a girl i haven't seen in 6 years  last weekend and nothing was missing and there was an immediate comfort. we spent a lot of time together for a couple of years and built an interesting friendship, two young, awkward artists rambling through life trying to make sense of it, and we bonded through that wandering. i have another friend that i haven't seen in two years or so, but she and i write little inspirational texts to each other every couple of weeks. she's an amazing person that has directed me to places and states of being i wouldn't have arrived at by myself. i have another friend that i talk to every couple of months, and she and i have the most bizarre, intimate conversations. we understand each other's pace, and at times need to be questioned and offered another reality, but we always get off the phone feeling lifted. and i have a friend that is great for those sort of life talks that guys need to have on occasion with other guys, those, "girls are annoying assholes" kinda talks. he's been in a long-term relationship and he has a perspective about relationships that i don't have, he's an insider. and i have a single guy's take, something he appreciates. he and i have 45 minute talks every couple of weeks and it's really strengthened an already strong friendship. another friend pushes me to be more active, is the greatest Doer in all of humanity. he just wants to Do Stuff. why plan it out and allow a greater possibility of not doing it? let's just do it and make it work. everyone needs Doers in life. i went to baltimore to hang out with a friend i haven't seen for a couple of years, he introduced me to punk and i had a great time. it was an opportunity to do something different, to see life from a different angle, and it was amazing. i wouldn't just get up and go to a punk show on my own volition, but because i have a "punk friend," i was able to get that experience. for the 4th i'm going to nyc and staying with a friend's family and then at her apt in manhattan. another friend, one i've already mentioned, also offered her place in harlem. how fortunate am i that i can say i already have a friend offering her place to stay? when i heard her vm saying my friends and i could crash there, it took my breath away. i realized at that moment how lucky i am, how amazing it is that i built and maintained such incredible friendships with people that they are willing to let me sleep in their home when they aren't there. and when i step back, it's not about having the most friends, it's about having the greatest friends, relationships with people that hit all sorts of levels, add all sorts of layers and have shaped me into the person i am. it's something i take very seriously and value beyond belief, something that i don't express to them often enough.

all of this comes about because i just lost my best friend. she and i can't be friends for a while. it's something that doesn't make me feel great, but something that she needs and something i respect. it won't be easy without her actively in my life, but what i've learned from reviewing my other friendships, out of sight doesn't mean out of mind. she'll float in and out of my thoughts for a long, long time, whether or not we talk or see each other.