tuesday dots

• on love: over the past year or two i've thought of love as a project, a managerial undertaking, expectations have to be set and met and manipulated, and deadlines are negotiated and project schedules are constantly being rearranged. it seemed like something to be managed. it seemed like work. but lately i've been thinking about the art of love and the magic of finding someone that Makes Sense to me and understands my ridiculous idiosyncrasies, it's really an amazing idea and journey and a far more inherently beautiful endeavor. if it's a project, it's an art project, something to be proud of, something that requires creativity and goofiness and sincerity and the imperfection of art. see, that's the biggest difference, in a manager's project, when something goes wrong, it's wrong. in an artist's project, when something goes wrong, it's a miracle. i want love to be art, not work. 

•  i texted my dear friend in new york on a whim: just know it's ok to be happy or sad or angry or embarrassed. it's always ok. i think a disproportionate number of people in the world recently needed to be told, "it's ok." i think it may have been a universal spat of self-degradation or something, people didn't think it was ok to be mad or sad or happy or free or lonely, and maybe i was one of those people a few weeks ago, and with my new eyes i was able to see people that looked like me. i went through a lonely lil spell, wishing i could share experiences, guilty that i haven't found someone i think is the bee's knees, but also guilty because i was able to still find happiness in being alone, in being able to have fun and experience life without a woman, without a wife or a girlfriend or even a rather minor companion. i didn't need anyone, and that didn't feel right, or i guilt'd myself into thinking it wasn't right. but it's ok. and i know that. and i was able to pull myself out of that nastie mood by smacking myself in the face and choosing to simplify this complicated mind. when you understand, let that understanding stand. if you feel sad you haven't treated your wife the best, let that sadness be the emotion, not guilt and embarrassment and anger. don't complicate the sadness. and then when you understand the sadness, just know it'll be ok. life is ok. it's actually pretty damn good. it's not great, or, it is in brief, minuscule flashes, but overall, it's not really that great, but damn if it aint good. 

• for the first time in my life i'm talking to all my ex's. the circumstances behind each lapse of communication is completely different, and there's no trend between our ex communiques, but it feels good to be connected to these women that have greatly shaped my life. 

• my first ex wrote this at the end of an email recently: A true beach bum, an LA bound star, a lover, a poet, the novelist, graphic designer, the futurist, a manager, the traveling man.... Mike, you've got a lot of stories to share. i want to believe i have that story to tell, but it seems like someone else's story. when i get in my "i haven't accomplished shit" mood i think about my insane life experiences and realize i've done a lot, a lot to be proud of, whether for actually accomplishing something or just having the balls to not be normal, i can still be proud. i still want more, i need more from life, it has such great potential, or, to say it differently, i have such great potential to experience a great life, that i only want more and more. (hence my planned trip to barcelona in the fall)

• i'm reading the mystery guest by bouillier, and it's devastating. this guy is breaking my soul in bits. i want to be able to express myself with his clarity at some point in my life. i've only gotten more and more eloquent and clear-headed as i've gotten older, but i have a long way to go to understand all of life's beautiful connections, or the art of creating life's connections.

• i'm getting lost in the chester french album. it's a great, light spring album. a lot of driving trips this summer will feature many tracks from this album.